Just for laughs!
Mwai hosted Moi last week. Three years ago, Moi was
literally hounded out of the seat of power, bundled
into a military plane and flown to Kabarak, for the
first time in 24 years.
Some of his ardent disciples were left in tears. So it
was with a sense of nostalgia that the retired
President returned to State House last week. Excerpts.
Mwai: Karibu, karibu, Mr…uhhmmm mheshimiwa, uhhm
Moi: Just call me Moi, Emilio. It’s been long since
you addressed me officially.
Mwai: Wewe na wewe. Basi, karibu Bwana Moi.
Moi: (Casting an eye round the room) It feels good to
be back here. You know this place harbours many good
Mwai: (Smiling) I envy you. I truly do. I haven’t had
a moment of rest since I set foot here.
Moi: I know of your tribulations. Nimekuwa nikisoma
magazeti. (I have been reading the newspapers).
Mwai: (Hesitant) Uhhhm, the papers said you were part
of the problem.
Moi: (Fuming) Hizo ni porojo za watu wa magazeti
(That’s journalists’ nonsense). How can I undermine
the government of a man who deputised me for 12 years?
Mwai: Precisely. And not when I did nothing to
undermine your authority.
Moi: (Smiling) Well, there was that small matter of
the little money that you pay for my upkeep.
Mwai: Your pension?
Moi: Yes. The little money that your minister
threatened to withdraw.
Mwai: Don’t believe that porojo in the newspapers. I
personally wouldn’t have allowed it.
Moi: Hahahahahaha! Thanks for the reassurance. But
that’s not why you called me.
Mwai: Uhhhmm, not quite. Uhhmm, uhmmm. Now, why did I
Moi: Umesahau!? (Have you forgotten?). You know that’s
what those Orange people are saying. That you forget
fast. Like that piece of paper you signed and failed
Mwai: What paper?
Moi: I think they called it MoU, na kadhalika na
kadhalika (etc, etc).
Mwai: Oooh, that one.
Moi: Yes, but remember I had dealt with Raila before
and I know him well.
Mwai: So what do I do with him?
Moi: Hii ni mambo rahisi. (This is pretty simple).
Weka Raila Kamiti na wengine wataogopa. (Jail Raila
and the rest will be afraid).
Mwai: Ai! His many followers will run amok and burn my
Moi: I think people overestimate him. If you remember
well, I jailed Raila twice. And when he learnt his
lesson, I accepted him in my Cabinet. You did it the
other way. Put him in Cabinet. Now you should throw
him into jail. Twice.
Mwai: (Sighing) Wewe na wewe. And what about Kalonzo?
Moi: Hiyo ni kazi rahisi zaidi. Fanya yeye balozi.
(That’s easier. Make him an ambassador.) A country
like Iraq is good. It will keep him busy.
Mwai: And Ruto?
Moi: Huyo ni kijana wa nyumbani. Patia yeye parastatal
ya majani chai. (That’s a home boy. Appoint him to
head the tea parastatal.
Mwai: And Uhuru?
Moi: Parastatal ya maziwa. (Milk parastatal). He’s
experienced in the sector, having managed his family
Mwai: What about the other rebels in the Cabinet?
Moi: What Cabinet? I thought you dissolved it. The
other rebels don’t matter. And your way of saying it
is by ignoring them.
Mwai: (Sighing) Sounds all so simple.
Moi: It’s all so simple. You should have learnt from
Mwai: It’s never too late to do that. Never too late.
(They rise and shake hands, then step out for a
photo-shoot. Such rare moments must be recorded for
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